Friday, October 31, 2008

Mwah, hah, hah


I wish I could actually run in these today. I'm being a good girl for Halloween--a bold and horrifying departure from my regular self--and resting my butt. Literally. My left butt has been hurting, right where my leg meets the stubborn overhang of bum flesh. I am having a very hard time not running today, but I have a bet to win tomorrow.

In the spirit of the unyielding election mayhem, I'm running a bipartisan 20-22 miles with the ultramarathon maverick, and we've decided to play fast and loose with our civil liberties. We're still refining the bet, but if we really go for democracy's jugular, I'll vote for McCain if he wins, and he'll vote for Obama if I win. We live in Massachusetts, where our votes count for nothing towards the general election anyway. The problem is that Kevin could beat me running backwards on his hands, so we're not sure how to frame the challenge. Any advice for a bet between the tortoise and the hare?

Good luck to Over Pro Nate, who's running the NYC marathon Sunday. My goal for him is that he finishes in half the time it will take Victoria Beckham's toothpick legs to propel her bobble head through the five boroughs. If she wears this, I'm going to be pissed.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Hazmat Time

I'm 24 days from the marathon and 8 weeks into preschool, and you know what that means. Ease up on the training plan and invest in a hazmat suit.



I found a suit on ebay for $75 to keep me safe from the germs that hop onto my four-year-old like hobos on a freight train. As long as Henry will cooperate with a twice daily Purell dip, I should be good to go. I've already upped my vitamin C intake to 5,000 mg every day and introduced a Harvey Wallbanger to my breakfast routine to boost my immune system. And I don't let Henry come within two feet of other kids outside school. We've sworn off indoor playgrounds, and his birthday party this weekend could be tricky, but if I win the hazmat suit and get it shipped overnight, maybe I'll let him go to the party.

I haven't had a cold in almost two years, which means I'm due. Every time Brian clears his throat, I sequester him in the garage. He's coming home from a trip today, and I fully intend to quarantine him for a week. He can come out to take out the garbage and rake leaves when I'm out running because he's a valued member of the family. Otherwise, he's gonna stay in the back of the station wagon.

Oh no, I've been outbid. Gotta go.


today's speed work: 13 miles at marathon pace (8:20) on the mill

Monday, October 27, 2008

Sleepy, Tipsy Weather Girl

I was tagged by Ophelia Rising last week and since I am halfway through my nightly self-medicating cocktail, I have to apologize in advance for whatever random trivia about myself I'm about to reveal...

1. I have fallen asleep in five of six Star Wars movies. It's not that the sixth one was good--I just caught on to the soporific qualities of bad acting and the topic of galaxies and didn't even bother.

2. I have only ever saved three items from the newspaper: my wedding announcement, and these two gems, one of which features me and the other I only wish did.



3. I don't like wine. I think I have immature taste buds, which means they a) don't appreciate the sophisticated flavor of wine and b) prefer to go straight to the hard stuff for a quicker hit to the blood stream. My taste buds are like frat boys.

4. I quit the salon to get two massages a month until the marathon. I'm pretty much a disheveled mess in elastic waist pants and race shirts all the time anyway, so why spend the money on my hair when I can have a guy drill into my hamstring with his elbow? Case closed.

5. Henry really got into conservation and rain forests this summer, so I exploited his budding environmentalism. Every time he acted naughty, I told him he was killing the rain forest. I'm not kidding. It totally worked, regardless of what he was doing.

6. I've suffered from cycles of insomnia since I was 16, but I'm much better at coping with it (I don't make Brian talk to me at 3 a.m. anymore). I'm in a mild cycle right now, and it's not helping my body handle running at all, though I always run better at long distances when I haven't slept much the night before.

Nighty night.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Fourth 20, Minus 12

18 miles of speed work* on the mill was a new, unique type of misery, and I've been sore for the past 5 days. It got so bad by mile 17 that I spent the last mile staring at some random red button on the wall in my garage (perhaps it opens a portal into a universe of sloth), counting off the alphabet--one letter for every four steps. I would only let myself look at the odometer after a full alphabet cycle. It took me 10 alphabets to do the last mile. I'm now traumatized for life by the letter A, which stands for "Another friggin tenth of a mile."

The general consensus among my posse of runners was that I needed a weekend reprieve from the 20 milers. I think my skeleton is crumbling like the ghosts at the end of Beetlejuice. After I sent a prosaic email that featured the words "suck fest" and "hell" to Over Pro Nate, he told me to scale way back this weekend, so I'm only doing 8 alphabet-free miles this morning.

As happy as I was to get the red light from Nate, it is actually really hard for me to break from the plan. I have to remind myself that I did my long run on Wednesday, and it was 18 miles. Not only that, the goal is to qualify, not run six 20 milers. Last week was abysmal and exhausting, and I was so heartened to read your comments on Thursday. You're like my own little virtual pace team. When my own family doesn't come to Philly for the race, I know I'll have you all in my teeny pockets, crammed in there with my Cliff shots and Gel right above my bum. Comfy?

Here's hoping this week, I get back on track.


*4 x 4 miles at marathon pace (8:20), half-mile rest intervals at 8:41, half-mile warmup = 18 miles

Thursday, October 23, 2008

In a Hole, Still Digging

Yesterday was pure insanity from start to finish. Do your kids act like total maniacs on their birthdays? That in itself was like the universe sucking out my will to live. So take my deflated enthusiasm and energy, then put me on a treadmill for 18 miles of speed work.

Never. Again.

I know several of you out there have done 18-20 miles on the mill, but you never let on that it was this bad. Worse than a marathon. Worse than any other long run I've ever done, except the ones where I've been sick or injured.

This training program has me totally cooked, and I still have three weeks before the taper. I crossed the line from parenting improved by running to parenting compromised by running a long time ago. I snap at everyone and everything. I have no tolerance for shenanigans.

Dana-Farber coach Jack, who is always good for pithy advice and motivation, got me through the treadmill run yesterday with a morning email discussing the Nike marathon scandal. His lesson for the fastest runner--and for the rest of us?

"Always think of yourself an an 'elite,' which for my money you are."

That sentence carried me through the last four miles of my 4 x 4 miles at marathon pace yesterday.

After my speed work, I had an other message from Jack, who responded to my training fatigue this way:

"When you're in a hole, stop digging."


He says I need a break, for a week, and he's right, but I don't want to fall short of this program. If I don't get the BQ in Philly, I want to be able to know I completed the whole insane program.

Sigh.

I need chocolate.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Are You Faster Than a Third Grader?

Sunday's 20 miler took a larger toll on me than I originally thought. I was asked by The Elbow this morning if I left my range of motion in the car. Let's not tell my body that it has to do 17.5 miles* of speed work--likely on the treadmill--tomorrow.**

So even though the 20 miles felt doable on Sunday (aside from the intestinal hell), apparently my bod is feeling the wear and tear. Maybe it's my age. You know, I'm not 8 years old anymore, which is apparently the ideal age to run a strong half-marathon.

When I stepped into the crowd at the start of the race, I happened to plant myself next to a girl and boy standing with their dad. I figured he was running, and they were keeping him company at the start. Then I heard him say to the girl, "Ditch your jacket at the first mile, or you'll regret it."

Uh, wha was dat?

She looked no older than 11, and the boy was younger. The man stepped out of the group to the side, while I conveniently repressed the implications of the parenting in front of me. "It's not my business until he kicks the kids across the start," I decided. I really can't judge the situation, except I sure as hell hope their dad was running the full marathon and not just hanging out at the Dunkin' with a cruller.

Once I finished, I was chatting with my friend and running mentor Jill, and I heard the announcer tell the crowd that the half-marathon's youngest runner, Billy from Southwick, MA, was finishing in 1:58, fifth in his age group. His sister, 10-year-old Julie, finished in 2:03, second in her age group and ahead of four other girls, aged 16-19.

I have a feeling my dad's new half-marathon goal will be more specific than "break two hours." Something more like: "Beat Billy, the 8-year-old wunderkind." My own racing often takes the form of "don't let anyone who could be my grandparent beat me." But now, I can't believe I have to specify that I must not be smoked by someone born in the current millennium. Someone who has only known one president in his lifetime.

Congratulations to Billy and Julie. You've got some set of parents, kids. I can't judge something I don't know. Frankly, I'd like to ask for their advice. I can't even motivate my kid to put on his own socks. My goal for Henry when he's 8? Well, wiping his own bum would be really nice. Although, imagine all the time I'd get to myself if I made Henry train for a half-marathon.


*4 x 4 miles at marathon pace (8:20), with half-mile "rest" intervals at 8:40 pace
**A perfect way to celebrate Henry's birthday and relive the events of 4 years ago: a day of excruciating boredom infused with god-awful labor.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Third 20: Demons in My Bowels

"The devil’s stomach cannot digest the Church of God."


Today is Sunday, when the believers display their faith through rest and contemplation and heathens like me go for a 20-mile run. I started the morning agnostic, but by 9:15, when the churchgoers were hittin' the kneelers, my digestive tract gave the first indication that it has accepted Satan as its lord and saviour.

My brilliant plan to run a half-marathon preceded by 7 miles to total a 20-miler (I'm a math genius, no?) turned out to be one of my dumber ideas (and I've had many dumb ideas). I do not recommend this plan. I also had the idea to drink a Gatorade-Motrin-Coffee cocktail with breakfast. Plus, I expended too much energy on anxiety over the logistics and making the race start on time during the 7-mile pre-amble. By mile 5 of the half-marathon, my stomach began to writhe with most unholy intentions.

I wasn't going to race this one because Nate didn't want me to wear out during these high mileage weeks, but there was a certain sense of urgency to finish the race and make a deposit to the gods of the underworld in the great porcelain collection bowl. I was scheduled to run the last six miles at 8:20s (my marathon pace), which I managed without much trouble given the other trouble I was having a hard time managing. So my average pace for the entire race was great for a 20-mile training run.

The weird thing is that I reset and started Garmin for the race before I crossed the start, and its overall time was 1:50 with a pace of 8:22, but the race chip reported my time was 1:51 with a pace of 8:29. My watch may have a lot of flaws, but the stopwatch feature is not one of them. I'm trying not to get all riled up about the discrepancy, however, primarily because I wasn't supposed to race the thing, but also because any amount of riling just encourages the little demons having a raging kegger in my intestines.

So three 20-milers down, three to go. I can't believe it, but they're actually getting less scary. Gasp. The devil made me say it. Eek--pitchfork to the gut. Gotta go.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Another Weekend, Another 20 Miles

This weekend is my third 20 miler, and I'm hoping that these 20s start to become blase (blahzay--stupid Blogger won't give me an accent on that 'e') soon. I would really like to be nonchalant about these runs, but I build them up like I'm racing the Iditarod with a team of chihuahuas. I shamelessly share with people that I'm doing these runs, even in conversations where they have no relevance whatsoever.

"I'm afraid we can't have a playdate Sunday afternoon. I'm running 20 miles Saturday morning."

"Hi, I'd like to order a steak tip sandwich with cheese, peppers, and onions...because I ran 20 miles this morning."

"Sorry I didn't get here sooner, but I was running 20 miles. You know how it is."

You should see my Friday and Saturday Facebook status updates. I've noticed a gradual decline in the number of my Facebook friends (honestly), and I can't say I blame them. I'm annoying.

Friday 7 pm: Dreading my 20-miler in the morning.
Friday 9 pm: Mapping my 20-miler.
Saturday 6 am: About to run 20 miles.
Saturday 8 am: Leaving to run 20 miles.
Saturday 11 am: Just ran 20 miles.
Saturday 1 pm: Sleeping off my 20 miler.
etc.

Every weekend, I wish I had a shirt that says in all caps: "ACTUALLY, I'M RUNNING 20 MILES RIGHT NOW," but Cafe Press doesn't make shirts in Cool Max. As it is, I'm running this weekend's 20 by doing a half-marathon plus 7 miles beforehand. I know I can't race the HM, so I'm not building myself up for it, but I would really like that shirt so I can get extra credit for the race. Intrinsic motivation isn't really my bag these days, clearly.

So if you're running long this weekend, know there's at least one other person doing it and thinking that you are totally the most impressive person on the face of the earth.


And a big shout of Merde! (b/c I won't tell you to "break a leg") for the two marathoning dads whose blogs I read regularly.
Perhaps this can get you the last few yards:

Good luck to Nitmos and Topher.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Detour Ahead

I've got a post up over at Athleta Chi today, so head over there to read my thoughts on blending running with community service. When I joined the Dana-Farber Marathon Challenge for the '07 Boston Marathon, I was in awe of the team members who qualified for Boston and chose to raise money for the charity anyway. My post on Chi profiles one of these selfless people. I've been so inspired by folks like Sarah that if I qualify for Boston in November, I still plan to run Boston (in 2010) to raise money for Dana-Farber.

On a note related to what you'll read in my Chi post, my loving husband, who supports me in all things running, said to me the other night when I said I was going to take a shower, "But you've only run once since your last shower."

Nice. Guess who's washing my stanky race clothes this week.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A Short History of Navigation, or Why My Garmin is Worth the Angst

Back in the days of antiquity--2002--when I was training for my first marathon, I was in the dark about a lot of things in the running world. GPS stood for Goin' Pretty Slow, and my pacing goals were threefold: walking, walking faster, and jogging. Distance was my only focus, and for that I used a marvelously simple device that was not troubled by a bezel, lost satellite reception, or hateful customer service reps. It was also decidedly feminine, bearing a not-too-subtle resemblance to a tampon.

A tampon with a notched metal wheel (ouch).

I used this pen to measure distance on a map. A paper one. Remember paper?

Then I learned about this place on the computer called the internets, where you can do all kinds of exciting things, like stalking people and stealing identities. It was a wonderland! My attempts to assume Gwyneth's identity were thwarted by realizing that a little know-how might allow me to steal someone's credit card number but not her gloriously long blond hair and goddess-like features. But I overcame this disappointment in the WWW when I found Map My Run, which I used for my second marathon, when again, I only cared about distance.


But what if I wanted to just head out into the great unknown and know precisely when to turn around for a 11.33-mile run? And what if I thought it might be fun to look at my wrist every 3 seconds to see how fast I was going and if that number in the hundredths place had switched over yet? This would really improve my enjoyment of running. Landscapes of fir trees, wildlife, and sky can get so banal. I needed data.

Yes, a GPS would be mine. Enter the Garmin 305, which I called Big Red, though it's far too complicated to explain why.


Red was a good solid friend, like the reliable one you screw over when someone more intriguing comes along.

And so I got a Garmin 405.

The best way I can describe my decision to trade in Big Red for the new model is to say that I'm in a relationship with this entity that drives me completely insane but who I cannot live without. Most of us have this person in our lives. My watch is this person. If Henry had a sibling, I imagine they'd have a similar relationship.

And so, four months after buying it, I will say that if there is no other option on the market that appeals to your needs, and the price tag isn't a deterrent, it's worth it. I haven't tried Nike +, and there are other foot pod options that might yield less frustrating runs than Garmin. Certainly less frustrating phone calls to customer service. But at this point, the 405 and I are in a mutually disrespectful, yet completely necessary, relationship.

If you look back at my post about calling Garmin, you'll see lots of comments expressing similar angst*. So when you buy one, you know what you might be getting into. That said, once I started wearing the sweat band under the watch, my problems went away. I still think a watch this expensive should not require a sweat band, but there it is.

Other cons:
* Second-to-second pacing is never reliable
* Bezel is affected by rain, and things go wonky from there
* Distance is usually slightly off (usually more than race distance)
* The thing is huge
* Battery doesn't last more than a day on a charge
* Can't sync it with a Mac

Some pros, versus the 305:
* Gets a satellite very fast
* Is more comfortable to a smaller wrist
* Doesn't look like a 1983 Casio calculator watch

So there's my review of the 405. Frankly, you might as well buy one, since the thing seems to be a better investment than the stock market. At least it always yields numbers above zero.

*it's also my in the top-3 for page views, falling behind by my ice bath and my top running songs. Apparently people still care what I think about music after my psycho Springsteen love fest in August. And everyone loves a good ice bath photo.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Tufts Sandbagger 10k Race Report

A few weeks ago I was charmingly referred to as a "sandbagger" by a certain ultramarathoning maverick*. I'll take it. It's better than other things I might have been called.

Things like:

Carpetbagger.

Grocery bagger.

Colostomy bagger.

Even just plain bagger is not a lovely alternative.

I think it's true, though, the sandbagger comment. My stated plan for the Tufts 10k was to use it as an opportunity to have a good run, not a fast run. I haven't had many enjoyable runs in the past few weeks, and I'd be running Tufts with dear Anne, who I think I mention here more than I bring up anyone else. Anne suggested we start the race at 8-minute miles and gradually bring down the pace, but in my head, I was psyching myself to run 8:30s. No pressure. No big deal. Just for fun.

Baloney. Or if you want to get all Beacon Hill about it, since that's where the race began, bologna.

We started at 8, dropped to 7:46 for mile 2, then brought it up to 8:01 for mile 3. And then I just tore down Memorial Drive like a, like a...sandbagging maverick trying to shore up some hope for change. My last mile was 7:11. I finished in 47:47, shook the hand of Her Holiness Joan Benoit Samuelson, and wondered why I do this sandbagging nonsense. My pace (7:42) was off Nate's target 10k pace for me, which is 7:30-7:35, and I know if I'd gone into the thing psyched up to race, I'd probably have hit that goal.

Darn my sandbaggeryness!

I don't think I do it to hustle people, although now that I think about it, perhaps this is something to consider...

I think I do it to hustle myself out of anxiety about failure. No doubt I'll more than sandbag the marathon. I'll probably build a levee the entire length of the Schuykill river, which we follow for miles 15-25.

So another great sandbagging year at Tufts. Oh yeah, nonsequitor alert. I gave a totally riveting chronicle of the race to the unfortunate BU journalism student who found my blog and asked to interview me before and after the race. Highlights of the interview?

"Why do you run this race?"
"It's fun to race with only women."

"How did the race feel?"
"It felt really good."

"Tell me about yourself."
"I'm 31. I'm a mom. I have a blog."

Look out Pulitzer, here comes Lois! I told her she can use anything from my blog if it will make me look even a slightly more interesting subject. Let's just hope she doesn't use this photo. Or this one. Wow, I really should hide the camera.



The nitty gritty on today's results:
Chip Time: 47:47
Pace: 7:42
Overall: 313/5254
Age group: 97/1545


*I've opted to start using this term when I can't think of anything else to say, regardless of its applicability. Also planning to do this with "change," "hope," and "shoring up." I'm not making any jokes about the candidates. No jokes whatsoever. This election is in no way a farce at all.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Second 20: Thug Runner Style

So where have I been? Truth be told, your enthusiastic response to Thursday's post thrust me into some powerful contemplation and soul searching. It's like I've been the featured subject in an atmospheric senior portrait, gazing toward a blue sky backdrop through a fake window. The result of my meditation?

I'm gonna be a gangsta.

It's really my only option for surviving the remaining weeks of running. It will have to take a profound disregard for my own well-being for me to toss all somatic awareness out the window of my Snoop De Ville. I'm gonna hit the road like a Crip on a Friday night with nothin' to do but take aim at the other gang, which in my case, is my common sense and muscular integrity.

So today I thugged it out for my second 20 miler. My dad ran the first 10 with me around the hood, but he was kind of hating on me for the negative split I was targeting. Brian hopped his ride for the second 10, and we cruised. Word.

(Could I sound any Waspier?)

My plan for the day was to run the last mile at marathon pace, and because I am still a dolt who can't tell what that feels like, I ran the last mile in 7:34. Like shooting an 8 ball.

So my 20th mile was actually 2 minutes faster than my 1st mile. Serious shizznit.

And because every beotch needs a weapon, I've got mine, on loan from The Elbow.



It's supposed to be used like The Stick on tight muscles, but after Brian was bitten by a dog on his run around the local turf this afternoon, I'm thinking there might be other uses for it the next time I run by the house with the dog.

Monday I run the Tufts 10k with Anne, and it's my favorite race of the year, but I have no plans to run fizzle and and try for a pizzle rizzle. It's just to hizzle fun and hizzle out wizzle my frizzle for a dizzle.* Anne's a real chola's chola.

I'll bizzle bazzle Mondizzle wizzle a rizzle rapadizzle. And I promise to scale back my thug talk so you won't all abandon me.


*Sorry, got carried away with the Snoop translator. Translation: I have no plans to run fast and try for a personal record. It's just to have fun and hang out with my friend for a day.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Gin and Gu

Ran 13.5 miles of speed work this a.m.
Came home to learn I'm doing six--not five--20 milers.
Cried.
Inspired to bust a rhyme.
See sidebar for soundtrack.

With so much drama in my ITB
(and apologies to snoop d o-double-g)
I just somehow, some way
keep comin' up with funky ass pain, like every single day.
May I kick a little Motrin for the knees?
I'm sweatin' and cursin' as I slog through
10 in the mornin' and the feet are still thumpin'
'Cause this mother ain't home.
I got 12 miles on the Garmin, but still gettin' it on
I ain't done til I get 1.5 miles more done.
A half-marathon of speed work to do, shee-it.
I got a pocket full of Cliff shots, and I'm slammin' water too
Thinkin' 'bout my last rites and crawlin' on all fours
But (but what?) I don't love my coach, yeah.
So we gonna chug an ounce to him.
Miles up, head down; why this mother/sucker run like this?

Rollin' down the street, thinking "here we go,"
Sippin' on gin and Gu
Fade back
Got my mind on my miles and my miles on my mind

Now I wonder, where my calendar been?
Everybody does two twenties, but damn, I got six.
Now this type of shit, I don't think it happens all the time.
You get to run yours, but damn, I gotta run mine.
Everything is fine til you feel the ITB
Despite the captivating music that I got distracting me.
Who listens? Not me, to the words they speak
As I take me a drink to the middle of the street
and get to cursin' this coach named Natey (Natey?).
I'm startin' to think he might be shady.
Six damn twenties, when I tell that coach, "Please,
ease up off my runs, 'cause I got enough of these.
Oh please, my poor son can't recognize me.
Co-oach, I'm just

Rollin' down the street, thinkin' "Oh no"
Sippin' on gin and Gu.
This is whack.
Got my mind on my miles and my miles on my mind.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Taper Worms

You're out there. I read your blogs. I listen to your tales of low-mileage woe. Everyone is tapering.

Everyone but me.

Stinkers. I resent you people and your tapertastic ten milers. You're all lounging in your sweet tapery smugness, and what am I doing?

Five blasted 20 milers over five blasted weeks.

(Have you noticed I'm not swearing as much on MM? It's because I've learned my grandmother reads my blog. Hi, Gran! Thanks for the raincoat!)

So I will read your blogs, but I will have to hate you all just a wee bit until November 3, which is when I break out the ole cocktail shaker to kick off my own taper.

And because I resent you this much, I am giving you, my taper worms, this link. Enjoy your taper. I will love you again on the other side of October*.

How freaking ballsy am I to have googled "tapeworm?" Thank you.


*This is all exaggeration, of course. I think you're all super duper fabulous virtual friends. Sorry about the link.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Saucony Boys

Last week was my semi-annual financial hemorrhage at Stride Rite to get Henry new shoes. The girl in the store measured his feet in the split second he agreed to stand still before deciding fast laps around the bench in the center of the store was more appealing.

"He's a 9 wide," she tells me.

"Wide?" I say, and then quickly edit my next statement: "Actually, he's an overpronator. It could cause some ITB issues down the road, but we've got the Stick and a foam roller, so we're staying on top of it."

Henry continues his short-track laps until I manage to land a pair of boots on his feet. He hates them. They hurt his feet, which really means: they do not have lights, the appearance of slime, or super-bouncy powers.

We negotiate in a manner worthy of bipartisan congressional emulation. I can hear Rep. Barney Frank saying, "All right. I'll give you the blinking red lights, but you've gotta bend. My constituents want laces instead of Velcro. No laces, no bill."

And the deal is struck. Henry gets these:


And I get him his first pair of legit running shoes. No lights. No super balls. No slime. I am elated with visions of him at the Olympic Trials in 2028.

I hand over my credit card while it's still possible to use such things, and my boy has a pair of Sauconys.

It is my sincere hope that some day he'll be as excited about new running shoes as I am. For now, unfortunately, he apparently associates them with severe maternal neglect given that every time I put mine on, I leave him. I would not be surprised if Foot Locker one day serves as a PTSD trigger for my poor boy.

We get home from the store, and I'm trying to talk up the running shoes, and Henry's just like, "Whatever. Give me the boots with lights."

The same day, I happen to get my new Runner's World in the stack of mail that includes catalogs and bank statements, both of which head straight to the recycling bin now that I've tithed to Stride Rite. I'm paging through it when I get to the Saucony ad, and my mind wanders to Henry's promising new shoes and the countless fun runs I'll force him to endure in them. "The kid runs everywhere," I think, "including away from me in every public space, but if I speak the word 'run,' he frowns like I told him the Hudson Hornet died*. Where did I go wrong?"

But wait.

What is Owen Wilson doing in a Saucony ad?


Owen Wilson. Do you remember when I first met Over Pro Nate, and I observed his uncanny resemblance to Owen Wilson?

Well aren't you fancy, Nate?!

I can tell you something for free. If I'd read Saucony's profile of Nate before enlisting him as coach and blog punching bag, I don't know if I'd have had the gazongas to train with him. His training philosophy, as posted on the site?

"A ton of fast but sub-maximal miles"

"Work harder than the other guys"

"Keep the mileage high"

Nate is an old school runner, which I should have guessed when he told me that I should do whatever cross-training I want, including none. It's all about the miles, and I'm not faulting the plan. I'm bitching a hell of a lot about it, but I'm not faulting it.

And so there it is. The Saucony boys. One at the top of the running game, and one who would really rather eat a plate of spinach than try to lace up his new running shoes. Which is why Nate gets them for free, and Henry's mother has to buy his.



*which, incidentally, I made the mistake of doing when Paul Newman died. This is why they won't let me have more than one child, friends.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The First 20, Thanks Be to Kevin

Have you ever run with a complete stranger for about 3 hours? I don't mean drafting in a race or pairing up with someone you've just met at a group run. I've done both of those, and they're in a different category. I mean the running equivalent of a blind date.

Let me first remind y'all that I'm shy, a trait I think needs to be mentioned every now and then by the woman who blogs photos of herself without pants. So when blog reader Jeannie offered me her husband last weekend, I did have to pause for a second. Mostly, I wondered about the kind of guy who'd run 20 miles with a woman he's never met when he's not even training for anything and is rehabbing some tendinitis. This kind of guy would have to be:

A) Sketchy
B) Nuts
C) An ultramarathoner who came in second at a 100-mile race in July
D) Both B and C

Your answer: ______

D? Ding! I would have accepted C as well, but if you're like me and think a guy who considers an ultra to be something close to bliss, then you'd have include B in your answer also.

And so it was. If last weekend I was truly blessed to run 18 with my sorority sistah Anne, this weekend I was blessed to run 20 with The Man. No really, he's The Man. He's a corporate lawyer. And you know what? I like The Man. So sue me (but please don't, Kevin). He might represent overpaid CEOs, but he gave up 3 hours on a Saturday morning to pace a tortoise who once voted for Ralph Nader. We all know the latter is far more consequential than the former.

Running 20 miles with some guy could turn out dismal. Fortunately, I'm naive and love long-run company, so the grim reaper could've volunteered and if he could hold an 8:30 pace, I'd let him pace me. Also fortunate for me, Kevin knows a shitload about running and could crank out 20 miles at my pace in his sleep, plus I learned that skilled ultramarathoners can pace like a metronome.

The upshot is that my first of five 20s was the least excruciating 20 I've ever run, and at about an 8:30 pace with a negative split. Over Pro Nate's Qualify and Die Trying plan is paying off. I'm trying to cajole Kevin into pacing my last long run before the taper, now that I've semi-forgotten his review of the Philly marathon as "not that flat" and his suggestion that I run a 6-hour Mother's Day race as an intro to the ultramarathon world. I'm not so sure I want to take the express train to crazy town just yet, but he could have 3+ hours to convince me if he'll pace me again. All he'd have to say is "It's for your book," and I'd probably register. Don't say it, Kevin.

So a major thanks to Kevin for the run today, and to his wife, Jeannie, for volunteering him after reading my pity party last week. You are the man. And not just the corporate thing.

For the second 20, next weekend, I've got my dad back in town, so he'll do the first 10, and Brian will bike the second 10. Stay tuned as my October saga of mileage mania continues...

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Why I Am Not a Very Good Buddhist

Confession time.

I used to be a Zen Buddhist. No, really. This foul-mouthed, shallow shoe whore used to be a Buddhist. I studied this guy and renounced all of the things that teenagers usually want to consume by the barrel (or keg). Then the whole thing became fairly inconvenient to a post-teen lifestyle, i.e., I wanted to eat brisket, smoke things, and use expletives. There was also a killer black leather jacket I had my eye on. So, I filed my precepts under "Adolescent Phase" and never looked back.

Only running has reintroduced Buddhism to my life. It all started with the Nirvanas, whose unnatural weight I tried to ditch like the tofurky in my fridge when I started eating meat. But the new shoes didn't work out, so I picked out their dirt with the meticulous attention of Monk's dental hygienist, returned them to the shoe gods, and received in return: the Nirvanas.



And for all my bastardizing of the Tao, the phrase Empty yourself of everything has been my new running mantra. I love a multipurpose maxim like I love my Griddler--you can use it for anything. It reminds me to pee before I run (the mantra, not the Griddler). It reminds me to expend all of my energy and that I usually have a reserve somewhere I can tap. And it reminds me to unharness my ego and simply go forward. If my mantra could just make a panini, it would actually surpass the usefulness of the Griddler.

So now I have the Buddhist shoes and the Taoist maxim. And during speed work today, I reclaimed the four noble truths.

From what I recall, after Siddhartha sat for nearly 50 days in contemplation and attained, you guessed it, Nirvana, he wanted to stretch his legs with a little jog in those new kicks. And if he's like the rest of us, which of course he is (except for the aesthetic and renunciation bit), the jog turned into a good run in some gnarly stability shoes that he got at a great discount from Holabird.

Such is why the four noble truths of Buddhism are really about running.

1. Life is suffering.

Specifically, running is suffering. Cramping, puking, peeing in your shorts: all to be expected. Accepting this is really quite liberating in a primal sort of way, especially the peeing bit. Trust me.

2. The cause of suffering is attachment.
Specifically, your attachment to the ground, also known as "gravity."

3. You can end suffering by renouncing your attachments.
This one is tricky if you can't afford the zero-gravity treadmill. Try watching TV while you run. It won't end your attachment to gravity, but there's nothing like an episode of Rachel Ray to distract you from your physical suffering by subjecting yourself to some mental agony. The show will also help you end your attachment to good taste in television programming. I learned this today on my 60-minute treadmill meditation. Nothing says "transcendence" like watching Rachel discuss artificial eyebrows while running 8 mph.

4. Renounce attachments by following the noble path.
The noble path in Buddhism is the balance you strike between self-denial and overindulgence. In other words, hydrate and take your Gu, but don't get all bloaty on the stuff. I saw a woman at the half-marathon with 7 Gu packs pinned to her waist. I distend just thinking about it. That said, it's probably not a great idea to eat an entire pizza, so who am I to talk? The noble path is about moderation.

Think Keanu:



Not Benihana:



So you can see, I am very close to fully resuming the Buddhist way of life. I just have to:
*Stop eating meat
*Stop drinking alcohol
*Stop wearing leather
*Stop shopping
*Stop swearing
*Stop gossiping
*Stop thinking bad thoughts about certain public figures

Shouldn't be too hard.