I want to make a good man. I have this fantastic little boy who I more or less live for, but I'm thinking lately that to make him into a good man will take some hard work. I'm a Freudian at heart, so of course all of my maternal anxiety stems from my kid's bathroom antics. Here's what happened...Henry, like many little boys, has had a long process of gaining independence in the bathroom. We started potty training when he was not yet 3, and almost 2 years later, I find myself still in there with him, facilitating the event. I can't get the boy to pee standing up, and he usually wants my company the whole time, typically uttering "I love you" mid-BM. Hysterically weird, no?
I recently decided that the boy will never take the initiative to be self-sufficient as an adult if he cannot wipe his own bum when he's four. So I told him that he has to start doing it himself.
Me: Pumpkin, you need to wipe yourself. I shouldn't be doing it for you.
Henry: But it's disgusting! I don't want to touch my poop! You do it!
Me: Do you think I want to touch your poop?! You need to wipe your own ass, Henry!
It's true. I said that exact thing, including the "ass" bit. My potty mouth (pun intended) had less to do with his ridiculous sultan act and more to do with my panic about the man I'm creating, a person who expects to be cared for in such a way that he feels entitled to have someone else wipe his own ass--literally or metaphorically. I'm fairly certain that Emerson wasn't referring to this scenario in Self-Reliance, but he had a bevy of women enabling his independent life, so one has to wonder.
I know men are screwed in this world. The tough guy who can't cry is no better off than the sensitive man who loves a good Meg Ryan movie. It's a double bind, for sure. So what's a modern mom to do? I want to make a solid, kind, self-sufficient person without leaving Henry to his own devices to figure out his own independence. Devices that would amount to rotten teeth from lack of my brushing them, a seriously neglected butt from lack of my wiping it, and cold feet because I didn't put his socks on for him.
His being an only child doesn't help matters because he's got two parents to cater to him. Coddling my son into an expectation that he'll always have someone to fetch him a drink--whether a juice box or a beer--is not the way to make a man. But training him into independence wears me down with all the stomping and whining and crying. And Henry doesn't handle it well, either.
So we go about life, and we've arranged for us both to wipe his ass right now. Even though neither of us is satisfied with this arrangement. When I think of the person I want him to become, I can't believe that I have to start with "wipes own ass." But if it's a metaphor for a man who can take care of himself, I guess I'll go with it. Perhaps next time we fight about it, I'll quote Emerson instead of using the word "ass":
Henry, wipe your bum because "nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."
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23 comments:
Great Post
Don't forget to teach him
not to fart in the car
not to blow his nose in the shower and not to lick a dog's butt (true story)
Really raising boys is so hard. I hope one day my boys wives thank me for trying to make them good men.
My kids do not wipe their own butts, and I'm afraid to let them try, given the stripe of shit that would no doubt be halfway up their backs. An unofficial poll of a caustic and bitter mommy chat room, agreed that age 5 was about right for independent poo-wiping, with the expectation that help would usually still be required. So I'm going with that, because the alternative is too messy.
With our second child (4 years old as of January) we had to just stop doing it for him. It was a huge battle, sometimes he'd stay in the bathroom for over an hour yelling to be wiped, but he was out of luck because after two boys, my wife and I were simply done wiping children's butts.
When he eventually did wipe he did it in a half-assed manner (rimshot), leading to some of the biggest skid marks you've ever seen. Those were not pleasant times, but I'm glad they're over.
Just watch that episode of SuperNanny where the 8 year old (or so) boy still can't wipe himself. It freaked me into letting my 4 year old sit there until he's done and/or letting him learn to deal with a rashy bottom when he doesn't do a complete job.
ha! I am so glad that my now 4 year old isn't the only child in creation still not wiping his ass. He also still claims that he can't dress himself, although he managed to strap on his own shin guards, helmet, and get into his skates within 30 seconds of my husband telling him they were going to play hockey.
Meanwhile, my daughter was completely self-sufficient in dressing and pooing by the time she was 2.5.
I often wonder if I'll still be chasing him around to strap on his sneakers and clean his skid marks when he's 16...
Raising boys is hard. Or, in my case, boy. An 8 yr old one.
Don't worry, soon enough, he won't let you in the room when he's bathing or changing he clothes. And if you should happen in while he's doing either, he'll immediately cover himself and yell "MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!"
Take the butt wiping while you can, and just trust that he will turn out just fine!
My oldest son was almost 5 when he finally started wiping his own bum. At preschool, his class submitted news each week for a poster that hung outside of the classroom. One day, next to his name on the big news poster was "I can wipe my own bum!" Very funny and priceless memory. I agree with the last poster - soon he won't want you anywhere near his bum.
It's a sticky situation! I say let him stay in there till he wipes it himself...however long that takes and deal with the laundry as it comes. It will be a week of no fun, but he will adapt. However, I am also with the letting them cry it out camp because that worked for us...soooo take it for what it's worth!
Oh there's so much to lookforward to! Although I have a little girl so maybe she'll be easier? Crossing my fingers (and eyes)... ;)
"It's a sticky situation!" - Good one, Jessica. Don't know if that was intended to be a joke but funny nonetheless.
That's some quality writing. You should write a book but don't target my demographic.
This made me laugh out loud. We had the exact same issue with Quinn. He out right refused to wipe. He would walk out of the bathroom, pants around his ankles and shout, "Mommy! Wipe my butttt!!!!!!" And yes, it's happened when we have had company. I thought the day would never come that he would do it on his own, but it finally did when he was a little over 5. Late? Probably, but who cares...he's doing it!! My older son never went through that - he was mr. independent wiper from almost day one.
For the sake of all school teachers- teach him to zip and button his own pants. If he can't tie his shoes, buy velcro. Thanks!
I can't say I have anything to add to this post as I don't have kids, but I have enjoyed reading the responses! What a crappy situation (LOL,sorry couldn't resist!)
Love this story! I don't have kids but so can only imagine the daily fun...thanks for sharing.
I am so right there with you on this one. When my 3.5 year old (boy, of course) tells me that he can't do this on his own I have taken to asking him "what would Barack Obama want you to say?" to which he knows to respond: "yes I can!". It cracks me up. But I still end up wiping his butt. For now.
I'm not a mom, so I am absolutely no help to you. But I can appreciate how difficult it is to raise a child to become a good and self-sufficient person. You're doing what you can. Just keep at it.
I really enjoyed reading this post. Hubs and I are thinking about trying for a baby in the next month or so, and I often find myself wondering (freaking out, maybe?) about raising my kids to be strong, independent and -- if they're girls -- keeping them off the pole ...
Sorry, but I'm a juvenile because you telling him to wipe his own ass just cracked me up. However, I'm sure his future wife - or life partner - will appreciate you making him a good man.
My boys are now 15 and 13 and they have wiped their own bottoms for years now. But I do think it was when they were around 4 or 5 that they started wiping on their own, and maybe they were 6 or 7 when they started wiping good and avoiding itchy butt. Just know that you will NOT be called to the elementary school for wiping -- I promise! ;)
LMAO! Ooooo man at least you can get him to take a dump in the pot! Cam is 3 and she still insists on wearing a diaper when she has to poop. I swear I'll be wiping that kid's ass forever!
On a sidenote, thanks for the heads up on the Maine Coast 1/2. I'm going to go ahead and sign up for it. You do realize that if you do it too, I'll be your leg humping groupie (of course until start when you start running and leave me in the ditch LOL) :P ;-)
I'm new to your blog thanks to "mom on the run". I was immediately drawn to your style of writing and the fact that you too are a mom. Having a three year old son myself, I understand the desire to raise an independent, thoughtful and kind man (who will eventually wipe his own ass). This coupled with trying to train for my first triathlons, and work can be challenging and humorous (bordering on hyterical-think Bellevue).
I look forward to reading more!!
Somehow this post was even funnier than when I heard it in person the other night. Maybe I'm having one of those days.
I kept thinking of my dad telling me of his years as an elementary school principal where the first grade teacher came in horrified because one of her students was calling her from the bathroom by yelling, "WIPE ME!"
Wow! I still wipe my 6 yr. old daughter's butt (and my 4 year old's). She tells me all the time, "I can do it," and I'm like, "Nope, bend over." Skid marks are just too gross!
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